Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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