He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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