return my video game
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
