Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
