The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize