Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
