my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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