break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize