u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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