just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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