There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
