I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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