God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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