So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
