I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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