You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
