My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
