But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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