Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
