I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
