I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
