you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
