Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
