i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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