we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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