So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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