here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
