I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
