Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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