New low: just hacked my moms facebook
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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