Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
