I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
