I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
