i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
