saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
