i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
