Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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