well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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