I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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