My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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