..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
