she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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