I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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