Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
