At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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