Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
