Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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