oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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