Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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