Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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