Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
