is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
