Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
