I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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