im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
