don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
