First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
