winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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