I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
