i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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