I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
