I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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